The Joke Thread

I got the idea from Iggy for this.

Post any jokes you've got or heard in here. Nothing TOO explicit please, this is a family friendly place remember

Initially posted by Iggy

A woman walks into the Newcastle benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...


'OH WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?


'Aye they're alll mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit doon Geordie.' All the
children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need
all your children's names.'


'This one's me eldest - he's Geordie.'


'OK, and who's next?'


'Well, this one, he's Geordie anall.'


The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the
oldest four, all boys, all named Geordie. 'All right,' says the caseworker.
'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Geordie?'


Their Mother replied, 'Wey aye - it meks it easior. When it's time to get
them oot of bed and ready for scheul, A yell, 'Geordie!' An'
when it's time for dinner, A just yell 'Geordie!' an' they alll come
runnin.' An' if A need to stop the kid who's runnin oot into the street, I
just yell 'Geordie' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea Av ivvor
had, namin' them all Geordie.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and
says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the
whole bunch?'

'Whey that's easy pet....... Ah call them by their sornames!'

Sorry, I'm going to have to do this to you all. This is a really silly joke, but it's may favourite joke in the world ever ...

What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?

Phillipe Phillope!

(you might have to read this out loud to yourself)



And I like the last one. I heard it told as an Essex girl, so here's a version I can actually tell to my wife (who is an Essex girl!)

Apologies to equine lovers.

Whats got four legs and flies?



A dead horse!

A band was setting up in a pub, and the first guy comes in lugging a PA speaker. The barman says to him, "What's your IQ?" The guys says, "126, why?"
"Just wondered," says the barman. "What do you play?"
"I'm the bass player," says the guy.
"Oh, right. What strings do you use?"
"Warwick."
"OK, thanks," says the barman, then he sees the next guy coming in, lugging a big amp. "Hello, what's your IQ?" he asks the second guy. "Er, 152, why do you ask?"
"Just wondered," says the barman. "What do you play?"
"I'm the guitarist, and I sing as well."
"Oh, yeah?" says the barman, "What strings do you use?"
"Er, Ernie Ball," says the guitarist.
The next band member comes in, also lugging a PA speaker. "What's your IQ?" the barman asks him.
"96, why?"
"What kind of drumsticks do you use?"

2 irishmen, on their first ever trip to florida, are camping in the everglades and see an aligator with a blokes head sticking out of its mouth. paddy turns to mick and says 'would you look at that flash sod in the lacoste sleeping bag' !

Q) what do you call a fly with no legs A) a walk.

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub. The landlord says, "Is this some sort of joke?"

David Beckham goes to Florida, and he's promised Victoria he'll get her some aligator shoes, but he gets annoyed because he thinks all the shops are trying to rip him off, because he's David Beckham and therefore loaded. In the last shop he loses his rag completely and says, "Sod it! I'll get my own aligator shoes," and storms out.

Later that evening the shopkeeper is driving home through an area of swamp, and there he sees David Beckham, standing waist-deep in the water with a shotgun, and lying on the bank next to him is a pile of dead aligators. The shopkeeper gets out of his car and walks over to where Beckham is, meaning to make him an offer for all the aligators he's bagged, when he sees him raise the shotgun and blast another unfortunate aligator. He wades over and hauls the beast out of the water and then says, "Oh, sod it! This one's not wearing any shoes, either!"

A man had tickets to the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, a man comes
down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final and not use it?"

He says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first FA Cup Final
we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'


'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me screw you. '
But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. '

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Two amusing true stories from music shops.

One was about a girl who went in to a drum shop to buy a present for her drummer boyfriend. The guy behind the counter asked if she had any idea at all what he might like. She said, "well he's been in the studio and talking a lot about click tracks, so do you have any of them?"

The other one was about a guy who was going to a music shop to pick up his guitar and it was snowy, so he called the shop beforehand to make sure it was clear up there. When he got there and was paying, he asked the girl behind the counter, "Was it you I spoke to about the roads?" She said, "Nah, I don't work in the keyboard department."

Ah, well, they made me chuckle.

A guy is being interviewed for a job in the Australian police. Everything has gone fine, and then the sergeant interviewing him says, "Right! One last thing. You need to pass and attitude aptitude test. Take this pistol and spare ammo and go out and shoot 6 illegal immigrants, 6 drug dealers, 6 pimps and a rabbit." The guy says, "Why the rabbit?" The sergeant says, "Great attitude. When can you start?"